Gabriel's Inferno by Sylvain Reynard
Gabriel's Inferno by Sylvain ReynardMy rating: 2 of 5 stars
Shredded Reviews
2 stars WARNING: Spoilers
What follows is somewhat of a er-rant? Sorry, but I am very frustrated after reading this so forgive me. Or not.
First off, I want to say that I don't rate fan fiction on a 5 star scale. I rate them on a 3 star scale for putting in half of the creative effort.
Bias? I know.
The biggest problem I had with this book (aside from the fact that it is fan fiction) was the word FOR. I know what you're thinking: What kind of damage could the word FOR possibly cause? A lot. Trust me. Whenever an explanation was needed for a characters behavior, Reynard just stuck that word in and before long I was thinking about old fairy tale novels written in the mid 1800's.
Gabriel frowned, FOR he knew she was upset.
Julia shivered, FOR she knew what would happen now.
I was waiting for the word "THOU" to make it's grand entrance.
Example: Gabriel frowned, For he knew thou would be upset.
And I'm sorry, but I have to ask: where the hell are all of the corsets? Mr. Darcy?
The only way I'll get through this review, is by making a list. (and cue, DUM-DUM-DUMMMMMM.)
This book has it all people.
You've got Julia, a girl so fucked up that the Salvation Army would think twice before tossing her a piece of bread. She's got 1) anxiety, 2) crying spills, 3) alcoholic mother, 4) neglectful father, 5)abusive ex-boyfriend, 6) poverty, 7) untapped promise land/virgin....I could go on and on with this. She's a poster child for Murphy's Law. (AKA, what can go wrong will go wrong.)
You've got Gabriel: a rich, pissed of professor with a brilliant mind and quote "haunting past." Like Julia, this guy need's a tissue for his issues. He's got 1) anger issues, 2) a fetish for labels, 3) adoptive past, which leads to abandonment issues, 4) whorish tendencies, 5)past cocaine addiction, 6) obsession with Dante and Beatrice, 7) no brotherly love, 8) pornographic pictures in his bedroom, 9) a warped colleague that likes to spank him...
NOTE: Since Robert Pattinson isn't old enough (*shocking*), I've decided to use Matt Boomer instead. No offense to the Edward Cullen, Christian Grey, and Gabriel Emerson fans of the world.
For me, the trouble in this book started early on. Whenever Julia invited Gabriel into her apartment and he gave his two cents, I knew I was in trouble. The girl had done nothing but cry since the beginning of the book, which made me question what all she's been doing for the last 6 freaking years. Oh wait, I think we know...
She had one encounter with Gabriel six years before the book started. And because of that one encounter that included an apple, kiss, and a few sweet words...She is high on life and has found "the one." For future reference, no woman, and I don't care how in love she is, is going to waste six years of her life waiting for a possibility/chance. Get real. It doesn't matter if you live, eat, and breath matrimony, it's not going to happen.
What's strange about this is Gabriel apparently already knows this tad bit of info, said Paulina, Professor Singer, whore #'s 1-200. It's almost humorous, really. While Julia's been out in the real world trying to protect her virtue, Gabriel's been looking for any excuse to pull his wang out because he's dead set on the idea that Beatrice was an illusion from his cocaine induced haze.
And Julia's so dead set on this fantasy that she refuses to tell Gabriel who she really is and allows him to treat her like shit. Which he does without a care in the world, and I'm just laughing the entire time. For someone who thinks very little of herself, Julia sure has a high opinion of the impression she made on Gabriel in the orchard.
Poor Julia, she's poor ect., and wants to make it on her own. She hates spending his money and taking any charity that comes her way. She's such a strong woman for not telling anyone what happened between her and Simon, or reporting her mother, or standing up to her father. (This is sarcasm people...) So when the time came for her to tell Gabriel who she really was, I was mentally punching her in the face. It was almost like she wanted him to get in too deep so she could play the victim card.
Gabriel treated me like shit during the beginning of school.
Gabriel made fun of my apartment.
Gabriel shouted at me. Blah blah blah...
By the time he realized who she was, the damage was done. It's hard to recover from something like that, right? But then I got to thinking, well, she's spent 6 years without him, so the worst is over, but no. Little Miss. Helpless then decides to do a 180 and for the first time in her life, take a stand.
I was willing to give this book 3 stars for satisfactory writing, until the skeletons started coming out of the closets. I expected something huge, so when it got to the part where Gabriel said he was a murderer, I just rolled my eyes. Despite the fact that he had said he didn't have a wife or ex-wife, I was holding on to hope. (I wanted some real plays, not sideline interference.) That would've really tested Julia's character I think. But no. Instead, Julia's all understanding, which no woman in the world would be. When a man tells you he still keeps in contact with his ex-girlfriend, whom lost the baby he fathered, you don't sit there and smile and feel sorry for them. No. That was some lameass attempt to right what all Gabriel had done wrong, and a pathetic one at that.
Sex scenes? I don't know why this is listed as Erotic at my bookstore, but it doesn't even come close. Gabriel wants to be gentle, romantic, yada yada, and the whole while I'm just thinking: GROW A PAIR.
Some women have this ridiculous notion that a man is 1) going to massage your feet every night 2) make you dinner, 3) turn on your nightlight and act like your mother, essentially treating you like a child...But I sure as hell don't. A masculine man is going to come home, kiss your cheek, say he loves you, smack your ass, and grin while jogging up the stairs. (Sorry, but it's true. Or maybe I just have a different opinion for what a man should be.) It's hard for a character to recite old scripture, primarily romance, and not lose his masculine credibility. It just wasn't believable.
Conclusion: 2 stars for the writing. And a special thanks to Edward Cullen for making this all possible.
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